How To Become A Supercommunicator

Have you ever found yourself worried about making small talk or wishing you were better at holding conversations?

Well, the good news is that anyone can learn the skills you need to become great at communication.

In his latest book, ‘Supercommunicators’, Charles Duhigg talks about how he overcame his fear of small talk by learning the secret techniques used by the world’s top communicators.

In this post, we’re going to share three simple tactics that will change the way you think about what you say, and how you say it. After watching this video, you won’t have to worry about making small talk ever again.

Tip 1: Learn to match

The best communicators will try to understand what the other person really wants from a conversation and then match accordingly.

Most conversations fall into one of three categories: practical, emotional and social. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you need to be having the same type of conversation at the same time. Or put another way, you need to figure out if people want to be helped, hugged or heard. Sometimes people want you to help them solve a problem, sometimes they want to vent, and other times they just want to gossip or to know how a situation impacts them personally.

Imagine you’re complaining to a friend about your boss, and they start going into solution mode and making suggestions on how you could fix things. You’re trying to have an emotional conversation and are just looking for them to understand and empathise, but they think you’re having a practical conversation and have gone into problem-solving mode.

This type of disconnect is very common, but can be incredibly frustrating. Miscommunication happens when two people are having different kinds of conversations.

Instead, successful communicators are able to figure out what kind of conversation someone wants to have and to make sure that they match to that type of conversation. When you can align in this way, you will build a connection, and that creates the opportunity for a meaningful conversation to occur.

Tip 2: Ask deep questions

Supercommunicators ask 10 to 20 times more questions than the average person, and half the questions are deep questions. These are the types of questions where you’re asking about how someone feels about their life, rather than the facts about their life.

Instead of just asking someone what job they do, and then moving on, follow up by asking them what’s the best part of their job? What motivates them to stay in their profession? Do they dream of doing something else instead?

Asking deep questions like these opens the door to vulnerability. It also becomes natural to answer the same questions about your own life. This means you can share information about yourself, enabling the conversation to flow.

For example, you might say: “That’s amazing that you’ve always dreamed of becoming a yoga teacher, I’ve always wanted to learn yoga, but I’m worried I wouldn’t be any good at it. What made you start practicing yoga?”

Sharing something authentic in this way means you will automatically feel closer to each other. This is why asking deep questions is such an important technique for communicating effectively.

Tip 3: Loop for understanding

If you want to be a supercommunicator, then people need to feel that you are actively listening to what they are saying.

However, the problem is that most people spend the time that someone else is talking thinking about what they’re going to say next, and not really listening.

If you want to prove that you’re listening to someone, then you need to show that once they’ve stopped talking, you’ve absorbed what they said.

One tactic that Duhigg recommends for this is a technique called “looping for understanding”, where you ask the other person questions, reflect back to them what you just heard, and then ask if you got it right.

The goal is not to repeat exactly what they’ve said, but to paraphrase their thoughts in your own words, and then make sure to check you got it right. You then keep repeating this process as long as is necessary until it’s clear that you’ve understood.

By using the “looping for understanding” technique, you can demonstrate that you are working hard to see the other person’s perspective and in return, they will feel listened to and that you clearly understand their point of view.

Great communicators use all three of these techniques. They are equally as interested in understanding what kind of conversation someone wants to have as the subject they want to discuss. They ask deep questions about how someone feels and share their own feelings and experiences. And lastly, they demonstrate active listening and make sure that they’ve understood the other person’s perspective.

By focusing on these three skills, you will be able to transform your conversations and quickly become a supercommunicator.